Why does not sex give women the full enjoyment? What factors do affect the ability to experience the sexual excitement?
When a person has problems in sexual life, he starts to think that something is wrong with him. Emily Nagoski, an expert in the field of sex education, reports encouraging news: we are all completely normal. Typically, our erotic spirit is associated with particular external circumstances and our psychological state. To get pleasure from a sexual intercourse again is quite easy – you just need to change your frame of mind.
Imagine that there are an accelerator pedal and a brake pedal in your head, just like in a car. So your ability to get aroused and enjoy sex depends on which pedal you are going to step on. Usually, this system is present more in women than in men.
Stress, distrust of the partner, fears, self-criticism, guilt and other factors make it difficult to let go of the brakes, even if you step on the accelerator with all your might. Let’s take a look on how you can possibly reverse the situation.
Getting Rid of Stress
Every day we face a huge number of stress factors both at work and at home. According to psychologists, constant conflicts with your chef, colleagues and relatives, an endless stream of emails and extremely urgent tasks, high expectations of others have a bad influence on our sexual performance.
It is very difficult to relax and have fun under such conditions because the brain perceives stress as a direct threat to life. Of course, sex becomes something secondary. Unfortunately, it is impossible just to avoid problems, difficulties and unpleasant situations. Then what should you?
Researchers advise to always complete the cycle of stress reactions. It is not enough just to deal with the source of negative emotions. We still have to give the nervous system a signal that everything is in order. The most effective way to do this is to do sports. You can run, go to the gym or even just to dance. There are other methods of “discharging”: a relaxing massage, meditation, deep and long sleep. If you always hide your feelings deep inside then just close the room and let yourself cry or yell.
Learn to Love Yourself
One psychological research has shown a curious pattern: the fewer women tend to criticize themselves, the more joy the relationship brings, including the sexual relationship. A good reason to work on your self-esteem, isn’t it?
We always feel like that if we do not look like popular models on Instagram, therefore, we are ugly. Dissatisfaction with your own body makes you keep a strict diet or save money for plastic surgeries. However, it is time to admit that every person is beautiful by nature. And you, too.
There is no use in following the standards that are invented by other people. You will not become happier if your body reaches the parameters of 90-60-90, or if you get rid of all wrinkles on your face. Positive changes will begin to happen only when you give up self-criticism and be able to love yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror and mark what you like. And admire what you see! In any case, do not start to find your imaginary flaws. Look for some merits instead.
Of course, this applies not only to your appearance. Learn to treat yourself with understanding and compassion. No mistake or failure is worthy of your endless self-blame humiliation. Be your own best friend, not an enemy.
Create an Atmosphere of Trust
Polls have shown that confidence in the chosen partner and the feeling of support from him is a very important erotic cue for women. It is much harder to get excited when you feel jealousy, anger or resentment toward your beloved.
There are two types of behavior associated with the distrust of the partner: on the basis of anxiety or avoidance. In the first case you can be overly intrusive, jealous, afraid of losing your partner; worry that he loves you less than you do. The second pattern of behavior occurs when you don’t want to depend on your man too much, so you keep the distance.
Both patterns show that you are afraid to be disappointed in the loved one. Why do we begin to experience affection in conjunction with uncertainty? The reasons can be various. For example, a serious conflict with parents or an unsuccessful romance. Once our trust has been undermined, we unconsciously transfer this experience to other relationships.
So, to have a good sex, first of all, you need to understand your own feelings and learn to trust your partner. Think why a particular model of behavior has been formed in your mind. Do not blame yourself or your partner, be as objective as you possibly can to see the problem from the outside. What can you do to achieve some positive changes? Only you can answer this question. Share your thoughts with your lover.
Forget the Stereotypes
We are surrounded by contradictory stereotypes about the erotic side of life. You learn from popular journals about ten unusual places where you must have sex.
The church insists on chastity though. On TV people tell you how important it is to relax and try at least half of the positions from the “Kama Sutra”. The family tries to introduce traditional values.
All this pressure is constantly on us and makes us experience great stress because it is simply impossible to please everybody. It is even worse when we believe that allegedly we have some physiological problems.
Are you worried that you have never experienced a vaginal orgasm? It is not a surpeise, because in our society it is believed that a clitoral orgasm is inferior to a vaginal one. In fact, it is the clitoris that is an analog of the male reproductive organ in the female body.
Do you think that you have some kind of a disease, as the vagina remains dry even if you are aroused? There is nothing special about this phenomenon either. This condition is called nonconcordant, and the majority of women face with that.
Have you never experienced sudden arousal the same time as your partner? No, you are not frigid. Typically women are more responsive, not spontaneous when it comes to sex.
And to top it all, forget the stereotypes that are being imposed on the society. Everything is okay with you and your body, so trust your own feelings and desires only.
Make a List of Personal Preferences
Stress, dissatisfaction with yourself and your body, stereotypes, mistrust to the partner are the most common factors that make us step on sex “brake”. But in fact, everything is highly individual. Emily Nagoski proposed to make two lists.
First of all, remember the best sexual episodes in your life and describe them as detailed as possible. What was your mood? What were you thinking about at those moments? What were they like? How did your partner look like? Did you have a strong emotional connection? How often do you meet? What kind of setting did you find yourself in? Do you remember any sounds or smells? What exactly did you do? Were there any special circumstances? Then answer the same questions about the worst erotic experience.
Of course, you realize that these are the factors that affect your ability to experience arousal (both negative and positive). Remember: you only need to release the “brake” and press on “gas”.