Danish author and trained therapist Ilse Sand, who has experienced all the hardships and joys of the life of highly sensitive people, talks about why women often tend to choose their partners, with whom it is impossible to build a stable relationship.
Kiss a Frog and It Will Turn into Prince Charming
Some women tend to look for the love of those who have nothing to give us, who are incapable of affection or just do not want to have “serious” relations. Sometimes, women would enjoy this fantasy that deep down their partner feels great need for love and care. And this kind of dangerous fantasy makes a woman’s imagination run completely wild. The treacherous dream that we are going to save someone from loneliness, lulls us with the illusion of security. We sincerely believe that the partner, pulled out from the deathly grips of hopeless loneliness, will be completely happy, eternally grateful to his Savior and will depend on us and therefore will never leave us.
In fact you could kiss your frog for years, but there are no guarantees that it will turn into Prince Charming. The most possible outcome might be that the frog will gain some confidence, break away from his Savior and find another partner. After all, it is absolutely unbearable to be constantly around those people whom you owe everything. Don’t fear!!!
Waiting for Your Ideal Man
An excerpt from the book “The Fear of Intimacy”
Sometimes it also happens that people who conscientiously avoid involving into any type of relations, suddenly find someone with whom they are ready to build serious relationship.
But if those people say that they are looking for their ideal partner, who must be a 100% match, it means that they use the self-defense strategy: usually these people have had a some kind of unpleasant experience with the previous partner and now they are simply afraid of being hurt one more time.
However, it may sound paradoxical but when finding a person who is, for example, only a 51% match, you increase your chances of creating a stronger bond greatly. Over the time, the personality of your partner begin to unfold: you see your partner from another side, new greater character traits are getting visible, your feelings for him are growing stronger, the attitude is changing — there is an opportunity to create something completely different on the whole new level. The person we once agreed to have a relationship with as there was no other choice,may turn out to be that ideal one, if both partners are willing to give this relationship a chance.
Of course, there is another way to feel protected — you can always try to become the ideal version of yourself, but we are going to talk about it in the next paragraph.
The Desire to Become Perfect
Most of us strive to be considered “normal”. Being “normal” implies that you are that type of person to have a serious relation with, to be adored and loved for the rest of your life. This idea is unsound and inconsistent. It would not be very reasonable to believe that as soon as you become this perfect übermensch your relationship will last forever. This desire to be perfect in everything and for everybody is just another way to feel secure and 100% protected in your relations, and this is just not possible.
Unfortunately, you cannot be sure that your life with your partner is going to be like a Disney movie: both of you are going to live happily ever after in a large castle by a small pond. It is insane to expect that because life is a continuous process, we are constantly changing. It is a great ability to find the courage to live in the present and learn to go with the flow of life.
However, if you still try be the ideal, it will not be so easy to build and maintain a truly intimate relationship because real intimacy involves complete sincerity in all situations.